Margaret Mitchell Lee the turtle
Daughter of Delia Ann Lee
Birthday: August 20th
Favorite Food: Lettuce, cabbage, carrots, tadpoles
Favorite BlueBell Spot: Dotty’s Dress Shop
Favorite Movie and Book: Gone With the Wind duh
Favorite Vacation Destination: Savannah
Favorite Style Icon: Blanche Dubois
Favorite Famous Turtle: Yertle the Turtle
Favorite Quote: “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!”
This week was the annual Junior League Black Tie Turtle Derby. Held at the Rammer Jammer, it was attended by many and was an overall successful event. Slow Bob, Mayor Hayes’ turtle, defeated Delia Ann Lee’s Margaret Mitchell in a nail biter. Congrats, Slow Bob. I guess. Now, I really don’t want to start any drama. Honestly, my Beat Blog is all about reporting the happenings and going ons around BlueBell. It’s not supposed to start controversy. However, it’d be remiss of me not to bring up how much I dislike the turtle derby. Year after year, I can’t help but think how it’s fairly inhumane to subject these reptiles to these conditions. It must be beyond frightening for the poor animals. Having to be put into a box with huge lights shining on them and rowdy BlueBellians (obviously drunk since there’s an open bar) screaming at them. How scary! I know the turtles’ owners are good people and only want the best for their pets, but when it comes to a competition, sometimes people do the craziest of things to win. Clearly, the derby is here to stay. I mean it is for charity after all. So that’s a plus. Kind of. But I just hope in the future we could make the environment a little better for the turtles. Perhaps play soothing music and use candles instead of spotlights. And how about we make people keep their voices down (i.e. serve non-alcoholic beverages)? That way the turtles will feel safe and not traumatized. Since turtles can’t speak, someone has to give them a voice, right?
Z is for zany, will you ever fit in?
O is for the only doctor I care to win.
E is for the spark that I see in your eye.
H is for the heels that hold you so high.
A is for Annie Hall, which I don’t really get.
R is for missed chances that I’ll always regret.
T is thoracic, your favored surgery.
Zoe Hart, oh Zoe Hart, when will you notice me?
The Junior League Turtle Derby is one of my favorite events of the year – or at least of the fall – because it happens to involve three of my favorite things: large hats, small animals, and sports betting. This year’s derby also featured my fourth favorite thing – BlueBell’s might fine Mayor Lavon Hayes. He was looking more dapper than ever in a suit that was perfectly tailored for his chiseled frame. And, don’t tell my darling husband, but when I heard that NASCAR star Brian Vickers bowed out, it was actually my suggestion to have Mayor Hayes co-host the turtle derby with Lemon Breeland. I don’t know where exactly my mind was at that moment (except perhaps remembering how glisten-y the mayor looks whenever I see him on his daily run) because I quite prefer letting Lemon Breeland and Delia Ann Lee make decisions at Junior League meetings. As do they. Boy was I relieved that they both loved my idea! And what an amazing power couple Lemon and Lavon made! Better than Regis and Kelly.
My turtle – “The Shell Obama” – was, of course, the most timelessly stylish of the bunch, a reptilian Jackie O if you will. She gracefully bowed out to Delia Ann’s turtle in the second heat, as is local custom. Though it is a bit unfortunate since The Shell Obama had the best arms of all the turtles and could have totally won the whole kit and caboodle. C’est la vie, I suppose.
The turtle races themselves were a hoot, but for many of us, the derby is also a wonderful excuse for all of us to play dress-up and spend an evening parading around in our finest attire. For charity, of course. Some BlueBellians could have taken tips from my trend-setting tortoise’s namesake, and spruced up their derby wear. Ahem, you know who you are. It doesn’t matter if the main event is an opera, derby, or monster truck pull, if the invite says black tie, it means black tie! And ladies, derby hats are supposed to bloom like the largest petal on the flower of your overall ensemble, not stand out like a prickly thorn, parasitic garden pest, or hideous weed that is climbing up your stem about to strangle your flower to death. Don’t dress like an ugly garden. And don’t let your husbands wear sport coats to black tie affairs! Since I want all of you to shine like proper southern ladies and gentlemen at next year’s derby, I may have a few pictures of Lemon Breeland and Mayor Hayes at the event that I will post for you, my loyal readers…When my hubby isn’t looking.
Hark! Spring has come, thy name is Zoe Hart.
Physician, yes, the healer of my soul.
I’ve found thee now let’s never be apart.
For you and you alone hast made me whole.
I’ve heard that in the throes of the heat wave
with Wade you almost consummate your lust.
Thank God you’d not commit such acts deprave
for then my heart aflame would turn to dust.
I know that not all love you such as I
Oh Zoe how I wish you’d stick with me.
I’d warn you thus of Old Man Jackson’s eye
and not to drive a float into a tree.
How many sordid men must you go through
Until you see that I’m the one for you?