Rose's BlueBell Beat

Couple Canoodling Alert! By: Rose Hattenbarger




The Charity Picnic Auction came and went but don’t fret! I am here to tell you which couples are in it for the long haul.

First up, Lemon and Lavon Hayes. I don’t think the town of BlueBell has ever seen a stranger combination. In fact, L&L might just be the strangest couple in the whole world. Lemon hates sports. And Lavon hates uppity-ness. Sorry folks, this relationship is going nowhere. Dead in the water. Over before it even began. They have no chemistry. Trust me, I know these things.

Brick and Shelby.  Oooh, a little May-December romance. Hmmmm, sounds interesting. While Brick can be serious and straight-forward, Shelby’s charms could sweep Brick off his feet. If he’s into 24-hour, non-stop Internet shopping. Not. Sorry, this couple is never gonna happen.

George and Tansy. George has been trying to sow his wild oats for the last few months. But I think he’s ready for something real and I can see this going somewhere. George needs to loosen up and Tansy is the girl for the job. I give this relationship two thumbs up.

Wade and Zoe. (In lieu of Magnolia.) No one loves Star Crossed Lovers more than me. Wade runs a bar. Zoe saves lives. Wade likes trucks and beer. Zoe loves her Louboutins and pinot noir. Hmmm, maybe these two are the world’s strangest couple? But unlike L&L, these two have a spark between them. That certain something Taylor Swift is always singing about. Of course, Taylor’s never been in a relationship longer than an episode of New Girl. So this is anyone’s call, folks. What do you think?

Tom Long and Wanda. Is there a sweeter couple in the world? These two make me sing gushy love songs in my head. Sing it, Taylor.

The Tom Long and Short of It

An Ode to Planksgiving By: Tom Long




All of the Pirates, the family and friends

Planksgiving’s the time to make amends

Holidays in BlueBell are what I’m all about

Everyone knows I take the turkey route

I’ve prepared for weeks, months, almost a year

It’s the day I can eat and eat with no fear

Those pants with the elastic waistband are key

Without them, all this food can’t fit in little ole me

But I don’t let my size stop me, I feast like a man

Well I mean, I try to eat as much as I can

But what a delight this feast will be

Pirates, Indians, Wanda and me.

Dash DeWitt

A Planksgiving Pageant to Remember By: Dash DeWitt




The reviews are in (well, my review), and all the critics (me) agree that this years Planksgiving Pageant (directed, produced and written by me) was a resounding success!

This year’s pageant followed the usual script. Reverend Mayfair played our town’s founder, Cyrus Lavinius Jeremiah Jones, who heroically fed the people of BlueBell in the wake of a devastating hurricane. Tom Long and Cody Strong played the seemingly fiendish but ultimately kind-hearted pirates that helped Cyrus Lavinius catch enough fish to feed the whole town. Wanda Lewis co-starred as Esmeralda, a role of my own creation, the saucy pirate wench that captures the hearts of BlueBell’s men with a sultry song.

Other original songs included “I am Cyrus Lavinius Jeremiah Jones,” “Thanks for these Planks,” and “Other Fish to Fry.” In the latter, the cast members actually fried fish onstage and fed them to the audience!

Other interactive elements were added to the show this year, inspired by last year’s treasure hunt for the Hilson family. Bits of “treasure” were hidden throughout town square, and lucky winners were invited to take a picture with the members of the cast!

Members of the town approached after the show for quotes were clearly overwhelmed and breath taken by what they had just seen. “I thought it was really great,” said Tom Long. While I stared at him, he added, “Really, really great.”

“Best show I’ve ever seen,” said resident Earl Kinsella, whose usual moniker of Crazy Earl does not apply here.

“To me it seemed like the same music from the Gilbert & Sullivan revue with the words changed to be about Planksgiving,” said Eugenia Todd, who obviously knows nothing about the nuances of musical theater.

Auditions for next year’s Planksgiving Pageant will commence tomorrow afternoon in Town Square. All roles are currently open, though maybe I’ll take a crack at CLJJ this year! Who knows? What I do know, is that this year’s will be hard to top. Though I say that every year, and always pull it off…

Rose's BlueBell Beat

Happy Halloween! By: Rose Hattenbarger




Finally! My absolute favorite holiday (besides my birthday, of course) is here! Halloween! I don’t know about you, but I think it takes entirely too long for Halloween to come and it goes by far too fast. It’s not even the dressing up. It’s the decorations! The festivities! The jack-o-lanterns! Nothing is better than Halloween in BlueBell. It’ll especially give us a nice break from all of this Election craziness! I will be dressing up as Carrie Bradshaw (post series, pre movies, obviously) but some other clever and popular costumes have been roaming around Town Square. Here’s my list of the Best Halloween Costumes of 2012!


Psy (the Gangnam Style guy)

The newly independent and strong-willed Lemon Breeland

Old school Lemon Breeland, in a wedding dress, Miss Havisham style

US Olympic Gold Medalist McKayla Maroney (she’s my favorite!)

Honey Boo Boo (sadly not such a stretch for some)


Don’t forget, any and all costumes can always be done as a monster or ghost (Honey BOO BOO?).


Happy Trick-or-Treating! Hopefully you get loads of great candy and no pennies or floss. Ick.


Happy Halloween!!

Dash DeWitt

Dash DeWitt Supports Lavon Hayes By: Dash DeWitt




Voters may be waiting for the debate, but The Blawer is already convinced: we fully endorse another term for Mayor Lavon Hayes.

Despite Mayor Hayes rebuffing me as campaign manager and going with a greenhorn, Lemon Breeland is running a clean campaign—kudos to her.  Meanwhile, Ruby Jeffries debases the political conversation by resorting to mudslinging.  The facts were still coming in when Ms. Jeffries alerted The BlueBell Gazette about a potential Hayes scandal that turned out to be false.  This is not an attempt to disqualify Ruby Jeffries; this is about supporting a man with a sterling record.


The facts:

Our economy is thriving.  Business is booming at the Rammer Jammer, Butterstick Bakery, and Pageturners.

He’s been tough on crime, even though we don’t have much in the terms of crime.

The streets are spotless.  Think back, do you recall any litter during his tenure?

There’s almost always sunshine.  You would be surprised what an enterprising mayor is capable of.

This is why The Blawker wants more of the same… the same ole success.